The castle diary of Useless

Castle Rushen’s walls are three feet thick. I am about one centimetre thick, and nobody gets through me either. Mostly because nobody tries. Manx National Heritage: Castle Rushen

There are 100 steps up to Castle Rushen’s flag tower. I counted them twice and got 99 and 101. Maths is not my department. Manx National Heritage: Access Guide for Castle Rushen (2026)

Castle Rushen’s gatehouse has murder holes and a toilet. I have one hole, from a compass. Please don’t ask. Manx National Heritage: Group visitor information for Castle Rushen

Castle Rushen’s clock had no face until about 1720. I have a face. It is drawn on in biro. Manx National Heritage: Castle Rushen’s medieval clock to undergo specialist conservation

Castle Rushen was the island’s prison for 100 years. I was in detention once, for ten minutes. It felt like 100 years. Manx National Heritage: Castle Rushen Assessment of Significance (2017), on Planning Portal IoM

“Traa dy liooar” means “time enough” in Manx. That is what I say when my homework is due tomorrow. Manx National Heritage: About the Isle of Man

The island has more Viking silver per square kilometre than England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland. My pencil case has one silver crayon. It counts. Manx National Heritage: Manx Museum

A ghostly black dog is said to haunt Peel Castle’s isle. I am said to haunt the bottom of pencil cases. Same job, smaller dog. Manx National Heritage: Peel Castle

At Peel Castle you can look out to sea for seals. I looked. A seal looked back. Nobody rubbed anything out. Manx National Heritage: Peel Castle

Cronk Sumark’s ramparts are stone melted together by great heat. I once sat on a radiator. Similar result. Manx National Heritage (archived gov.im page, 2012): Iron Age Fortifications

South Barrule had four or five lines of sloping timber stakes to keep people out. I just have a sign saying “Do not rub”. Manx National Heritage (archived gov.im page, 2012): Iron Age Fortifications

Cronk ny Arrey Laa means “hill of the day watch”. My hill is the bottom of the school bag, and I watch nothing. Andrew Johnson, “Watch and Ward on the Isle of Man” (Scottish Society for Northern Studies, 2002)

Hango Broogh may have had a fire pit of gorse, ready to light quickly. I am ready to rub out quickly. Well, eventually. Andrew Johnson, “Watch and Ward on the Isle of Man” (Scottish Society for Northern Studies, 2002)

Odin’s Raven sailed from Norway to the Isle of Man in 1979. I sailed from my desk to the floor. It took one second. Manx National Heritage: House of Manannan

The Isle of Man is 52 kilometres long. I am 5 centimetres long, and proud of every one of them. Manx National Heritage: About the Isle of Man

Davey says Castle Rushen cannot be dated by archaeology even to the nearest hundred years. Nobody can date me either. I have no label. Peter Davey, “Manx archaeology in the high Middle Ages” (Scottish Society for Northern Studies, 2002)